Soci(emotion)al Distancing: Happy Memorial Day

The only reason I’m doing this is to help anyone who might need to hear about it if they are feeling alone in a similar situation

I would never talk about it to remember it

When I’m 89 and suffering with dementia it’s not the kind of thing I will look at my journal to reminisce 

I don’t even really want to talk about it at all

I rarely bring it up with family or trusted friends

It’s my biggest source of shame and sadness

#firstworldproblems

Brene Brown is a social scientist. She defines shame as stepping out of a room, and knowing that everyone in that room is talking bad about you. It’s the feeling that

“I don’t think I could ever step foot in that room again”

The opposite of shame is bravery

Bravery according to Brene, is the ability to be vulnerable and show up for yourself in your life

Well this writing that I’m doing right now at 4:25 am on a Monday morning?

It will be full of both shame and bravery

I just had a hopeful thought

“Maybe this will be the last big break down because you’re getting it all out in words”

I really hope so

Now I’m stalling

I don’t want to do this

I don’t even know if anyone will read it

So that’s not why I’m stalling

It’s because I will have to read it.

--------------------------------

I probably don’t have to go into detail

Because I have documented the history

Quite well

I have evidence of the former friendship all over the dang place

Whether it’s a corsage we got for each other for senior cotillion 

A “memory” on facebook or instagram for almost every day of the year ranging back to 2011

Or a lock of hair in an easter egg

So I will steer clear of the background story

And stick to the past 9 months

August:

Jealousy

I noticed that we were both sharing our happy news but neither of us was actually happy for the other person

It was almost competitive

What we were doing with our lives

September

Good things

A facetime a day keeps the insanity away

New experiences are hard

I literally had a feeling before Hawaii that in order to make the most of my time there

I would have to somewhat distance myself from everyone I knew outside of it

Not forever

Just a temporary focus shift

I tried

I failed

I think probably she was having the same feelings about her own endeavors

But she didn’t fail

October: When it rains it pours

If this sounds like the opening to a bad romance movie called Breaking Dawn you’re not wrong

But you are way wrong

Because this is a story about friendship 

Soulmates but the friend kind

Someone she obviously liked showed up unannounced in Hawaii

He was invited to stay on my couch by a roommate

When he walked in my room I didn’t recognize him 

But when we put it together

I knew a lot about him

After 1 day I was emotionally vomiting on my friend about how difficult it was to be around him

He has a certain effect on people that makes them all feel special and loved

I became very attached to that feeling

And eventually told my friend

That I thought the reason I didn’t want him to leave so badly was because I might be catching feelings

We cried

I said I was sorry

But sorry without actions is just a phrase that means well

I didn’t even know if he was catching the same things I was

Things seemed like they were going to be okay by the end of the conversation

I felt so terrible

But this isn’t just about me

“Imagine how she feels.”


I said this just a month and  a half ago to a mutual friend who was criticizing the way things have turned out and slightly blaming her

criticizing her 

“I’m the backstabbing best friend that dated the boy she really liked. I’d be upset too.”

We didn’t talk for a month

We had been talking every day remember?

During that month I experienced 1.5 weeks of literal bliss and happiness

Then 2.5 weeks of the hellishist feeling I’ve ever felt

That was due to things that don’t really involve my friend

just the boy

(see last post)

Seeking comfort I called her

I used to be very bold in the ways that I dealt with the elephant in the room

I called Dumbo out and forced other people to take selfies with him

The main point of the conversation that I remember,

can be summed up with these sentences

“Is everything okay between us?
Are you upset about the boy?
We haven’t talked in a month so I think you’re probably mad at me which is fine if you are but I’d like to talk about it.”

“Honestly, I haven’t even noticed that we haven’t talked. I’m really happy here.”

She probably did not mean this quite as forcefully as it came out,

I don’t remember my exact words, but those were hers

her words exactly

I know that because I have thought about those words almost every single day for 9 months.

Those words transformed in my brain to

“I am so upset with you, that I don’t even want to talk to you about it.

I don’t care if we ever talk about it. I am happier now.”

I said something about how even though I’m glad to hear that she is happy,

she has to think about what she just said and how hurtful that would sound if she was in my shoes

More of her words exactly..

*huge annoyed sigh

(lol)

“Ryanne, what do I need to do to prove I love you”

I had never heard her say something more sarcastically and it actually took me off guard 

Again

I vaguely remember the conversation turning out better by the end

I was grateful because I was in kind of a scary part of Honolulu in a burger joint charging my phone by myself


because I hate haunted houses and was waiting for my friends in one

I was grateful she talked to me for awhile

Not long after that day there was MAJOR drama in my life

I wanted to talk to my best friend but couldn’t because it was about the boy

I did anyway

HUGE REGRET

What. the. Heck. was. I. Thinking.

Of all the selfish things I’ve ever done this might take the cake

Not only that

But I practically hung up on her when I saw him walking down the street at 11pm 

Hadn’t spoke to him in a week and was going to find him to smooth things over when I saw him walking by himself

I had so much hope 

I was so consumed

I should never have been facetiming her about him

That’s so messed up

Then he left the island a few days later

I went through a huge mourning period

We ended indefinitely 

It was about 2 months later before I talked to my friend

The main reason I didn’t call her is that I was so consumed with grief and knew that
I shouldn’t talk about that with her because she had liked him

The other reason I didn’t call her is that
I couldn’t freaking get the horrible thought out of my head that I had ruined our friendship for NO REASON

Because he and I ended up crashing and burning

Not only had I lost who I fully expected to be the one after knowing him a week

But I lost my best friend too?



WAY TOO MANY ELEPHANTS TO TAKE SELFIES WITH

How can I talk to her and really talk to her when I can’t be myself because being myself would mean grieving


and grieving would be so selfish because of the situation

1 month later I realized a very important thing

She hadn’t called me either

I sent her a marco polo 

She sent me one that was very surface level 

I sent one back that was fake as all get out to be honest

Trying to act like life was good so that I wouldn’t end up venting about my ex who she had liked

She didn’t respond

After that I called

Texted

And acted like a crazy girlfriend 

I even called her mom

One day she actually called back

Instead of being grateful to chat with my friend and start building up again what had somewhat sucked for awhile

I was angry

She was sincere

She probably noticed how much I was trying to show her that my friendship with her was important to me

I think she felt a little guilt for not ever reciprocating

She asked me questions

I answered with very short replies

A few weeks later I was making it so she couldn’t see my instagram 

Because I went home and thought I’d surprise her

I didn’t want her to see I was in Utah for that reason

I knew she wouldn’t notice that she wasn’t following me anymore and that it would be temporary

It probably looked like I was mad and made her unfollow me 

Oops

I surprised my other friend at the airport getting home from a mission

Posted it like I knew I would

But my friends mom follows me and commented on the photo

So I knew she would know I was in Utah and couldn’t surprise her anymore

The mom invited me to go to the airport to be there when she got home from her adventure

I said I thought she would want to spend time with family

I think I actually didn’t go because I selfishly figured that she knew I was in Utah now and hadn’t said anything so I was kinda mad

That was way immature 

I should have gone to the airport

when she got home, I was headed back to Hawaii in a week

She came over for 30 minutes and we literally had the most surface level convo ever

I was hurt

I don’t know how she felt

But she was nice enough to give me a Christmas present

I forgot to mention the really immature spout of emotionally charged words I emailed our missionary friend about how I was feeling

I immediately regretted every word and sent another one begging her to delete it and not read it

I know she read it

Anyway

I went back to Hawaii

We literally never talked until I had a HUGE nightmare

It was about this situation

I woke up sobbing

And decided “now seems like a great time to fix everything that is broken”

BRILLIANT

I facetimed her still sobbing ready to point out all the elephants and try to make them leave so that we could be close again

When she saw me crying she smiled and said “what’s going on”

Idk why she smiled

Then I said “I had a FAT nightmare and I really need to talk”

Then she laughed

“You had a nightmare?”

Her laughing at my pain probably not realizing what she was doing sent me into a shame spiral

I felt embarrassed 

I felt belittled and hurt

“Are you busy right now?”

“Yeah I’m with people.”

“Okay let’s talk later/”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay I will call you later.”

“Thank you.”

She texted me later and said she’d be willing to talk if I needed it

Then I tapped in to my favorite part of the brain that produces 

EMOTIONALLY CHARGED WORDS THAT ARE PROBABLY INSPIRED OF THE DEVIL

So dramatic

But I essentially said 

“I want to talk but can’t because if I talk when I’m this upset, I’m worried I won’t say things the right way.”

Ironic that that was what I was trying to say but said it in a way that most definitely was NOT the right way

I said something about how it doesn’t feel like we are friends, and I see no real evidence that we are anymore

I meant to say 

“I freakin miss you and I want to know what I can do to fix this weird situation we are in”

But I was so worried about approaching her with that kind of vulnerablity
and getting the same reaction I had gotten in October

Literally didn’t know if I could mentally handle these words again coming from probably the most important person to me in my life

“Honestly, I haven’t even noticed that we don’t talk”

Dead Serious

Of all of the people I would consider my bestest of best friends

The people that know me so well it’s scary

She was in October the very closest one to me

a sister (that word STINGS rn)

How could I get that reaction again and not die?

That’s what went on in my head

Well the reaction that I got was SO MUCH WORSE

Hahahahhahahah

I shouldn’t be laughing I just know that some people have way bigger whales to fry

Friend drama? So many bigger problems in the world.

nonetheless

She is family to me.

It’s not drama to me.

It’s almost as literal as the death of a loved one and in some ways way worse because of agency

When a family member dies we at least know they love us and they know we love them

Happy Memorial Day

When a family member chooses to forget you and reacts to your immature bursts of emotion with

Silence and perceived Apathy

That is their choice. 

She chose to wait to reply a couple of days

And when she did it was so politically correct I thought I was texting Michelle Obama

“I couldn’t give what was expected in my new season of life”

I sound like a burden in that sentence

Maybe I was

I had no idea

I still don’t

“I will always consider you a friend but respect your choice to do what you need to”

I never said I didn’t want to be friends…. WHAT?

I responded with a more appropriate tone than that of the first burst from a few days before
and  with words that I absolutely meant

I couldn’t face these questions

“What exactly did I do wrong”

“What exactly is going to happen”

This might sound silly, and I was too embarrassed to tell her this, but I genuinely wanted to go to therapy with her to fix it

All this because of a boy?

NO WAY

I have way too much of a femminist bone in my body and so does she

You are kidding me

It cannot be because of a boy

So what is it?

(I have about 3 contenders that I have narrowed it down to of the18 possibilities. None seem likely or like her.)

For those of you thinking

“Calm down it’s normal to grow apart”

I know what growing apart looks like

And I’ve never grown apart from a sibling

But even if I did

It would not go like this

Especially because she is still going on trips with the other 2 of the 4 of us that have always been close whether or not we all talk every day 

They are posting about it

Even though I muted them because I kept crying when I saw it

I have other friends who follow them and love to message me out of the blue

“Hey did  your friends go on a trip without you? Why?”

“I can’t believe what the comments said…”

Proceeds to tell me about what they read in the comments..

Please stop :)

I don’t mute them because I don’t care

It’s because it’s literally WAY too much for me to handle emotionally

“What did I do to end up here”

“What did I do wrong”

Sure I have sudden bursts of thoughts that go like this

“They don’t care about you and that’s okay. Move on. You don’t have to know how you got here,
you just have to know that the way they are seemingly apathetic to you and obviously not concerned that you aren’t in the picture
is reality and find gratitude in the people that do care about you.”

Sometimes those thoughts are comforting

I start to heal

But last night I had the most realistic and horrible dream I’ve had about this yet

PSA

I have at least 1 nightmare about this situation a week

USUALLY I have 2-3

Last night was so bad

I don’t feel like getting into it

Bottom line is this:

I don’t have a profound insight

I don’t want to sit here and say “everything happens for a reason”

Or 

“I will just be grateful”

But I do have this to say

It’s Memorial Day

We remember the dead

We remember an eventual resurrection and thank God for the memories

I am mourning the loss of a strong friendship that felt like family

And several others whom I have seemed to lose respect from as well

I don’t think they want to spend time with me

I think that their random texts are to keep their guilt at bay

Because somewhere deep inside of them

They have to know that if they were me

They would be suffering too

I am mourning the loss of the reasons they feel like this towards me

Because I might not ever know

I might have never known how disposable I am to them

I wish I wasn’t

But wishing doesn’t work

I hope that they all know how grateful I am to have known them

Even though they aren’t dead

I don’t know them the same way

We don’t talk the same way

“I just wish I knew why”

But even if I did 

What good would that do

I am grateful for the memories even though they cause me pain

I’m grateful for the friends I still have keeping me half sane

I’m grateful for God and for grace to fill 

The cracks and empty places at His will

Que the song from Toy Story II about Jessie and her friend.


(Hahahaha this is the saddest post I’ve ever written and I wrote about ending an engagement.

Fetch.. This has been WAY harder than that. BY FAR.)

Don’t take your friends for granted kids

+ I hope that if you struggle and aren’t perfect, they take the time to help you find your way

Instead of emotionally distancing from you not telling you why :)

Make it a Good Memorial Day