In The Great Wide Somewhere: 03/21/20

Hello Friends

I feel so sad

Why?

I haven’t been better at sharing the experiences and lessons I've been experiencing and learning in
Hawaii

For crying out loud

It took me 3 posts to cover 1 week of a vacation when I started this online journal 5 years ago

How am I supposed to fit 6 months on this here post?

Good news:

I covered some of the main points of October in

“come with Aloha”

Bad news:

it covers only

ONE DAY

and some details about the day before

So maybe I’ll count it as...

TWO DAYS

and now I’m sitting here thinking the same thing I often think at the beginning of most of the talks in church where I’m like

“How much of your talk is going to be just you

talking

about giving a talk

instead of giving a talk”

“When bishop called me several weeks ago....”

“I should have their numbers saved so that I know who’s calling and don’t answer”

“They say you’re supposed to start every talk with a joke...”

“This week preparing for my talk....”

“Well I now know that this talk was actually for me and not you, but hopefully you’ll get something out of it...”

“I was out watering my plants when my son yelled to me that the bishop was on the phone. My heart dropped.”

“My heart is pounding I’m so nervous even thought I know and love all of you, this doesn’t get any easier”

Me to myself right now:

maybe you could fit just a bit more of that 6 months on here

without driving yourself mad with the length of this...

IF YOU WOULD

STOP

LENGTHENING

IT

BY

TALKING

ABOUT THE LENGTH IT’S GONNA BE

So I’ll move on from these thoughts

And write about the first 3 months of my time here in

Laie, Hawaii

Another day

I will talk about the last 3 months

The time will lead all the way up until now

eventually

I will have to sift until the cows come home

A lot will be left out

But it’s better to have something than nothing

Feel free to quote me

;)

HIGHLIGHTS

I got highlights (in my hair) and moved to Hawaii

blue light glasses saved me from headaches

expensive dairy doesn’t matter because heaven only knows how much better things work in my body when I don’t put it in there

My aunt Kim who is BYUH alumni went to the library for the first time

I know what you’re thinking but…

it was there when she went to school here

“people just weren’t nerds back then” ;)

Grandma Pat came and it was so fun to see everything with her and she even helped me put my stuff away

Mom is a saint and bought me groceries

we just made the very most of our last few days together before she flew back to Utah

The show at the Polynesian Culture Center made me cry

it’s amazing

and moving

and I aced my interview at the testing center

got the job

felt accomplished

met tons of people and utilized skills I learned as a missionary

I TALKED TO EVERYONE around me

I met people and friends from around the world

some were and are wonderful

some were wonderful just… figuring themselves out a bit

most of my roommates now lovingly refer to those friends as my “mean friends”

whoops…

Hopefully they’re nicer now :)

and I made some friends that were and are wonderful I just don’t see them much!

Most of these people I met within the first week!

had some heart to heart chats with mom and went to the temple

and learned life lessons with aunt Kim in the ocean

with a teary hug from grandma they were on their way

not long after they left

I began my student and work life

+ a favorite family from the mission spent the afternoon filling me with good advice and delicious food

I cannot even begin to share the feelings of gratitude to God I still feel for that tender mercy

I got my picture taken for my student ID

That day will live on in my memory

because I cried in front of people at the Aloha Center

I really tried not to

but I felt overwhelmed

I came here alone

I’ve never been anywhere alone like that for the first time

especially so far away from home

I worked in MV with my 2 best friends straight outa high school

went to SUU with Lindsey

Mission with the Lord and a companion at all times

but here I was in one of the most amazing and beautiful places on the planet

alone

I learned something during those lonely days of adjustment and getting to know everyone

you could climb Mt. Everest

Go to the Moon and back

Hike Stairway to Heaven

Be literally in Heaven on the other side

and none of it really matters

if you don’t have people you love to share it with

so when you find yourself alone like I was

don’t look back and live in the past

don’t force them to be with you through FaceTime too much

but find new people to add to your old people

and love them until they love you back

love them even if they don’t love you back

but spend most of your time with the ones that do

yep

you’ll never be alone again if you can learn to do that

at least not for long

you might cry a lot in the Aloha center because you are overwhelmed

but you will still smile for your photo

and move on with your day

the weeks will fly and that picture will be a picture that reminds you how strong you are

because of how strong you had to be

you made it through that rough patch

and made it to a patch of paradise

__________

Patch of Paradise

I began to realize that some of my favorite people to be around were right under my nose

went on some hikes

worked a lot

and met my best friend EJ

He is from Hong Kong, and has an Australian accent

Cantonese was his first language

Chinese the second

then he went on his mission to the land down under

AUSTRAILIA

here’s the funny thing about Australia

specifically the Brisbane mission

both of my best friends in Hawaii served there

the other human I was blessed to meet at this critical time of loneliness was

ABBIE

she and I had many a deep long chat at this time because she had done the same thing I had done

we all went to fhe together

and devotionals every Tuesday

This was when Elder Holland came end of October. Left to right is Hana, EJ, Shane, Me, Abbie

mostly, EJ and I did his math homework every single night until 11 and those are some of the most wonderful memories I will cherish forever

these two really saved me in some ways

somewhere during this time I also found

MY HAPPY PLACE

across the street from where I live is a path between fences

it’s herd to see and looks blocked off from afar

I walked down this path to find a staircase carved in a lava cave

the top is covered by trees

when you get to the bottom

there is a field of green grass to the right

and ocean to the left

also to the left are caves in the ocean that during low tide you can nap in

there are sparse patches of coral that is still alive

fishes

clear water

and lots to explore

this place is often vacant because of it’s random access point and the fact that there is not a lot of smooth sandy places in the water

it’s mostly dead coral

so it’s rough on the fee

it’s perfect for me because I just take my goggles and swim above the coral

I love to explore

there is much more fish here than any other beach near laid

SO I LOVE IT

This beach doesn’t really have a name

so I call it

My Beach

maybe that’s offensive if you don’t know what I mean

I know it’s God’s and belongs to the native Hawaiian people

I don’t own it

I just mean mine as in it is my happy place

it makes me happy

also did I mention the murals on the way to the staircase?

I love.

more facts about those first three months

(some of these I won’t explain because they are meant to trigger these memories when I’m older and I will just have to know what I’m talking about)

-Abbie’s Hailee got EJ to come to the beach finally (he hates the beach but she used superpowers) and we all went night swimming

-ate papa oles for the first time and died.. it was heavenly

-joined like 5 clubs and only went to one activity for the first five minutes. It was the Hong Kong Chapter.. basically just wanted to say hi to Eliot

- met the legendary kip

- kip stories to remember: when he had to use his hand to wipe (it’s not what you think. It’s worse.) When the old man talked to him in the ocean whilst unspeakable things were happening. When he still the roll of toilet paper on accident. When he helped me overtime I needed it and was a shoulder to cry on, listened to my motivational speech on his coffee table, and loved abbie and I even when we were a mess most of the times he was around us in the beginning. He has a heart of GOLD. So grateful for Kip and the fact that he is always willing to lend a hand and an ear. And a slice of toilet paper.

Darbo, me, EJ, Kip, Sariah, and Hails

What can I say, sometimes you meet someone on mutual and for some reason you just know that you should be best friends instead of awkward first and only dates. Not because the person is awk, but because all first dates are lol.

dance party at Darbs house

she truly is an angel

that day was one of the best days of my life

then……

“everything changed when the fire nation attacked”

——————————————————————————

Storms In Paradise

The month of October in one sentence

:the rawest form of me was bursting at the seams of my own soul with emotions that I have never felt

extremes so deep and so high

description holds little merit

what can I say to convey what it was like

any string of words that I can imagine in the English language

any explanation

barely holds a candle

to a true representation of the things that swam through my veins

filled my heart

scrambled my mind

and stretched my soul

Feelings.

I caught them

but that’s not even the full truth

The full truth:

feelings caught me and held me at knifepoint

hostage to my own heart

Logic was a fantasy and consistency only an impossible dream

you would think that I was talking about the death of a loved one

I don’t mean to be disrespectful of those that are going through something of that magnitude

but in a way

I am

talking about the death of a loved something

I realize some things are very personal

and if I am to put them into writing I should probably publish these words somewhere in a journal on a dusty shelf

but this is my journal

and what good do our experiences do for ourselves and especially for others

when we are constantly putting them up on shelves

dust collectors instead of wisdom protectors

am I wise

maybe not

but there is wisdom to be found in what I went through in October

It wasn’t a death of a loved one in all actuality

but it did result in one of the longest mourning periods of my life

it was the death of a life I wanted to choose to live with a person I was ready to choose to live it with

does he know how strongly I felt in that way?

I doubt it

that’s kind of sad

but I also thought if I shared that with him

he would think I’m crazy

because it only lasted about a month

even I thought I was crazy

right now I am escaping the false reality of my mind being swallowed in typing away

and I am connecting to Earth

“Earth to Ryanne”

I’m thinking “I probably won’t post this part”

but maybe I will

the dusty shelf is looking really good right now

If I do include this, it will be with the motivation to help someone else that feels alone in a similar situation that I am unaware of

If I don’t I will at least have written this all out as a form of therapy I guess :)

Writing truly is therapeutic and causes some of the most profound insights into life that can be gifted to us

In my humble Opinion

so I will continue

or begin I guess

here is the summary

I met someone who exceeded every list mental or otherwise of what i wanted and needed in a partner for life and beyond

the circumstances were unreal

almost miraculous if I’m being honest

however

I won’t go into those details because I don’t think I will ever forget that

he wasn’t going to stay long

after one week we were both sitting in a small room on the brink of actually losing our minds

because that one week was as if lifetimes of moments were crammed into 6 or 7 days

I felt like I literally was talking to myself almost every conversation we had

our minds worked together as one

in synch doesn’t do it justice

it was the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced

in that small room we both overanalyzed our feelings for each other and tried to plan the impossible

the future

it simply is IMPOSSIBLE to plan the future

you can plan for it

around it

but you cannot say “this will happen then this then this”

we weren’t really trying to say what would happen

just figuring out what would happen

looking back I don’t think we really talked about what we wanted to happen

it was more like

“what could happen given the limited space of place and time we are given to work with”

every dead end in that maze led to this answer

“not really anything pretty much sort of no but maybe and probs not”

sooooo

I’ll spare you the detes

the moments that literally took my breath away (I’M NOT EVEN CHEESEY)

the moments I cried like a child on the porch until 3 am

like a kid whose ice cream plopped on the ground cone still in hand

I was holding on

even though he was gone.

long story short

some healthy and even spiritually driven decisions were made

then

I literally couldn’t be around him anymore because being just friends was the definition of

hell and damnation

(funny but sad sidenote… I never felt this way about my ex fiancé which leads me to lesson number 1)

LESSON 1. It’s not really a lesson just a furthering of a knowledge that is now set in stone. I was not suppose to marry that other dude because I did not ever feel like I couldn’t live without him.. sad but kind of clarifying in a way

LESSON 2. God will move mountains for you. He has the capability because He is all powerful. Just because He can, doesn’t mean He will when we want Him to. Why? because He is all Knowing. He KNOWS when and how it’s supposed to happen. He knows if it is in your best interest and He will make it happen.

I don’t think the events leading up to this month of my life was necessarily God moving mountains for me to end up with this person, but I know God moved mountains for me to meet him and learn from him and learn about love.

LESSON 3: I learned to love myself through this process because I could see in the person so many similarities with myself, and see maybe what others see in me. I realized that so many of the great qualities he had, I had as well. I haven’t noticed some of those things before about myself. Most of us are our worst critiques and I am not an exception. It gave me an appreciation for who I am and a confidence that there are people in the world that light my soul on fire in the most beautiful way.

LESSON 4: I will not compromise good communication. I’ve said it before I’ll say it again. You do not have to speak harshly against someone in shrill voices of anger in order to be heard. You can get angry, you can get upset, but you CAN and SHOULD be in control of your volume and tone of voice at ALL times. This is a strength that I have developed over the years. This one I did not see in this person whom I’ve been referring to. Despite his outburst of emotions towards me verbally and through writing about it on social media (he didn’t name me) I still wanted to forgive him and live happily ever after. Literally shaking my head at myself because I sound ridiculous. I knew this human for a month.

LESSON 5: If he decides in the end that he needs to follow his dreams and doesn’t plan on keeping the door open for possibilities in the future, you have to be okay with that, have hope in someone even more compatible for you, and remember the things that were not very healthy. It may not feel comf, but it helps. I’d love to say get over it because you want someone who chooses you and goes after you, but sometimes you need to feel what you feel. What I can be sure of, is that you want someone who makes you feel secure. I didn’t feel secure once during that whole month. I felt completely terrified that what I had was going to leave and I was going to be emotionally distraught. Security is so important and you can’t feel it with others if you don’t feel it with yourself.

There are probably many more and I could go on for ages. But that was October.

I told him I couldn’t be his friend

he accomplished his dreams