Saturday, September 22, 2018

"congratulations"

I don't actually know what to say.







So much has happened that I have neglected to express on this thing called the blog..












Probably for good reason.






As much as it is a platform for me to share my life and lessons with my fellow humans and possible posterity someday, it's definitely not my personal psychiatrist.


neither are you









It's not probably a place for me to share my darkest moments and tears over spilled milk.







That's what facebook is for. 



;)









I do want to talk about some things that make me who I am at this moment.










Those things are not seen by the public eye as sunshine, roses,
or Disney fairytales of Happily Ever After.














to me






on my best days






they are seen as sunshine, daisies, and the chance of a fairytale in the future that will result in a better 
"Ever After"







on my worst days








these things about my life








threaten to cause me to have doubts








they make me cry









or I wonder if I did the right thing











here's the thing about best days and worst days











the best days
(for sure in this situation, maybe not others)
 FAR outnumber and outweigh the worst










that my friends...







is why when you still say





"Congratulations"












you are not missing the mark











I truly feel that congratulations are in order










just not for the same reason that you do














now you might be thinking that what I mean to say that if you knew the whole story you would say





"congratulations for making a good choice. You seriously dodged a bullet with that one."













but no










that is not why I would feel inclined to accept your well wishing 











Here Is Why




-----------------------------------------------














con·grat·u·la·tion
kənˌɡraCHəˈlāSH(ə)n,kənˌɡrajəˈlāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. words expressing praise for an achievement or good wishes on a special occasion.












I could start by saying that among the things I have not mentioned on here




like 


"I went to London"




*lots of further details





or




"I got my associates degree"




*further detail







*I now have my dream job/career






*I will definitely actually be giving detail about this soon














It would probably be accurate enough to say that the most important news I have refrained from sharing is the subject of this post






"I got engaged"










yep that's right








you probably knew that







maybe you didn't 







but I do





and I did





that would be a hard thing to not know if it happened to you would it not






;)






the simple fact of the matter is that I am not engaged now.








feel free to stop reading because that's the end of it all.






or the beginning or whatever.






make it a great day



-Ryanne










JK












When opening a can of worms, one must start somewhere, sort through the mess, and hopefully use those worms to learn how to fish!




Then you don't just take that fish





and hand it out to people who don't know how to fish








you have to teach them






the best teachers don't tell you what to see, but they do show you where to look








so 





use your worms to give others the opportunity to learn to fish











aka I hope you learn something from this can of worms I am opening








even if it's just that you remembered that you haven't gone fishing in awhile and so now you are going to





then something positive came from these worms





and I will feel like I did my job as a milenial




which is to share the deepest parts of who I am online








;)















So 




worms are actually a good thing



even if they don't look cute



you can't snuggle up to them




and if you start telling people about worms




they will make a face



an unpleasant one






much like the face I get with this dialogue that has happened countless times the past few months









"Ryanne! Hey congratulations! When is the big day?"






*I nervously chuckle 

(yes I am aware that I do it every time and I can never quite take that awkward part out of the situation)





"Well there is no big day. I am not engaged anymore."








*they make the face






then they apologize profusely




what else is there to do?





to be honest





no one should feel bad in that situation 






It's not like they reminded me of something painful that I didn't already know




It's not like they have a moral obligation to notice that I haven't posted anything about being engaged




or that I have deleted all of the photos





Side note Number 1:
I did not delete those pictures because I was angry, or felt that I had been treated in any sort of ugly way. I will get to that in more detail but I just have to clear that up. Those pictures are gone for two reasons. The first is an emotional reason, and the second practical. 
1. Literally I just don't wanted to see it.. it would make me miss him as a person. Or be annoyed. Or just bring up weird feelings.
2. How in the hell would I be expected to find someone to actually seal the deal with, if pictures of my contract that I was about to sign with my other deal that was in the process of being made are all over the place?!?!?!? LOL
sorrynotsorry





Side note Number 2:
I just checked the Alabama vs Texas score and good news. Siri says Bama crushed Texas 45-23.






anyway





I would like to find whoever decided that people should feel bad for bringing up things they don't know about and ask them what on Earth the purpose of that is






Here's the deal with life





CRAP HAPPENS



but this was not crap





of course it is easy to assume that something huge and ugly must have happened for me to suddenly end my engagement




people think that those worms aregrimier and gooeyer than they are so they make that face




"Im so sorry to bring it up I didn't know"




well to be honest






even if you did know, I would be perfectly fine with you bringing it up





and if you asked me if I wanted to talk about it



that would make my heart happy




even if I don't know you



not because I want to share with you a sob story




but because I want to share with you a story that did not come from one huge awful thing







it came from a feeling





from promptings 





small red flags that truly do not make me think of that person as a terrible person






I value the advice I have received



and the people that have wanted to talk to me about it



those that have opened up about their "failed" engagements that led to happier pastures





stories that helped me to know that sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side





that doesn't mean that the side of being engaged to my ex-fiance was a side of ugly brown grass



it just means that there is greener grass somewhere for me


and this is important:


for him too







We have a tendency to believe that we are the greatest ever






and that if someone does not like us that means they are blind crazy and insane




okay I'm not very committed to what I just said



but that seems to be what the movies tell us






the truth about finding the one




is that if they are not the one for you, you are not the one for them



mind-blown









as much as you might be everything someone else wants and they are happy as all get out











if they don't make you happy





you won't make them happy













I knew that I was not going to be as happy as I could




because I wasn't 







there are plenty of reasons that for me make sense






but to most of the world






they aren't probably deal breakers





which is why I don't slander his name







before I could even pin point what strange reasons I had






I started to feel anxiety about it












"that's normal everyone gets cold feet"





"doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith"






"cling to the good feelings you have had"






"marry potential not perfection"











I know. I told myself those things a million times. The hardest one to figure out was this.





"Is satan trying to stop me from doing the most important thing of my existence by planting doubts in my head, or is God trying to steer me in another direction by allowing me to feel this way."












Well we had plenty of talks about the things I was noticing. 



and we always seemed to end the conversation with a bandaid solution







something to cover it up momentarily






until I point blank said



"I have tons of doubts about whether or not this is the right thing to do"



we weren't even engaged yet







I suppose it truly is a bit of a red flag that he proposed to me a week later anyway











EVEN IF SATAN IS PLANTING DOUBTS AND IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO YOU DESERVE TO FEEL AT PEACE WHEN YOU GET ENGAGED


instead of anxiety





and frustration




because of the expectations to feel SO happy during and after that moment in your life



I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all happy




he went to great lengths to show me how he felt 




the surprise



the way it was all done




just that another human being would be willing to do that 



for me



was more than enough to make me


"happy"





but what the hell is happiness if it doesn't last?








if it's underlying feeling is frustration





and a feeling of not being heard or understood







I know that marriage is not always happy







I've heard that a million times




but when you are getting engaged and planning a wedding





you should probably be filled with joy




;)






winky faces don't mean that I'm kidding ALL of the time



sometimes they point out sarcasm











I'm also realizing as I typed "Winky" a certain red line telling me that it is either spelled wrong or not a word










come on auto correct





this is 2018





not the stone ages






winky is most definitely 





and inarguably 





a word. k? Thx.


















So what happened next is this:




I spent a couple of weeks with him everyday



which had never happened before because I lived four hours away when we started dating




we talked on the phone every night



but as it turns out




being actually with the person and on the phone for a few hours




are two different things




my anxiety grew





I spent an entire day in the temple doing everything there is to do in there besides baptisms





I fasted for four-five days

(I don't really remember)



not straight.. I wasn't on a survival show




I ate once every 24 hours





trying to connect to God





and you know what He told me?













nothing.



















What?




FREAL







"Where are you?"













I felt "forsaken and left alone"












I felt like Peter sinking in the water 






only I did not see Christ anywhere to pull me up











my heart was pained











I can't tell you how many strangers I talked to about it





on my runs




in the temple




because I know that God doesn't always answer our prayers directly



but through people







I literally prayed one day next to a mini waterfall on a run in Idaho, that the next person I saw would be an answer to my prayer





I saw an old man and ran right up to him



small talk?



no. 


This was too important to me.




"Sir are you married? What is your advice about choosing a mate?"






"I'm not the one to be asking that darlin'. I have been married four times."







my heart swelled with hope and joy
(I'm not kidding.. weird right?)





"You are the perfect person to ask because you have four times more experience than me, and most people don't have that much!"









The day that I spent all of that time in the temple, I point-blank asked the sealer about it.

 Who better to ask than a sealer right???







His was honestly the advice that helped me see the clearest. 






"You will know by how you are praying about him.

If you are saying:
God I have made my choice is this the right choice? If it's not the right choice will you intervene?



then it's not the right choice.



If you are saying:

Really? God do I really get to have him for eternity? Can I have him?! Please!?


then it is the right choice."








all this time I had been anxiously praying that God would help me get out of it, if that was what needed to happen




I was not grateful




I didn't feel like his strengths complimented my weaknesses




I am now grateful for the wonderful memories


the kindness he showed me



and the fun times


the good talks


and more than anything at all that we experienced together




I am grateful for the last talk










it actually took place the same day that sealer gave me the advice









we had a talk





we agreed that he would not be happy with my expectations
and I would not be happy with him feeling unhappy even if he were meeting them




before you judge either one of us



just know




that there is more to the story that I don't feel I should share




just because I have expectations does not make me in the wrong




just because he didn't meet them does not make him in the wrong






when choosing a partner for eternity



it's okay to be picky




on both ends







we both decided to be a little more picky






and that's okay







in the end, even if it didn't start that way, it truly was a mutual decision






(lol at the word mutual because that's how we met)







I gave the ring back




we actually cried




we made jokes about who we would one day end up with



and whether or not as a teacher I might have one of his kids in my class



and wouldn't that be something





I told him if he ever needed to talk I'd be here for him


he echoed that back to me




we parted ways





in the car I began to actually sob like Kim Kardashhian-West



it was the ugliest cry




and you guys




it was not from pain







it was from the weight of the situation sure






and from the weight of the weeks of anxiety 





being completely lifted off of my soul






I was crying and laughing and yelling at God










you guys..







looking back..




I really should have pulled over LOL












not yelling at God in a mean way










I was yelling 





"IT'S OVER. THIS IS FINISHED!!!!!

I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS BRING ME DOWN.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT THIS SO GOD I AM MAKING A DECISION WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.
I'M MAKING A DECISION TO BE HAPPY!!!
TO STAY HIGH ON LIFE!
I WILL NOT LET THIS EXPERIENCE BE A BLACK MARK ON MY LIFE.
IT WILL BE A GROWTH PERIOD AND I WILL MOVE FORWARD WITH AN EYE OF FAITH AND LOVE!"



no lie I'm 99 percent sure that those were my exact words even if they weren't in that order. 





you know what



I believed my words




I felt them





and that is exactly what happened









I would fetching tell you if it were otherwise



no shame from this chick









I am a very open book








I should mention that there were moments of heaviness in my heart







a loneliness that I was not used to





I slept in my sisters bed a couple of times just to be close to someone






but the next day







I prayed and asked God




if now he would tell me






I said honestly



"I feel that you have been kind of silent on this subject.
Maybe it's because you had something for me to learn about revelation, or about trusting my gut.
Will you tell me now?"




the warmest most happy beautiful feeling of peace came over my body and sunk deep into my heart






I know that because of that feeling





the right decision was made






lately I have needed to remember that sacred experience






as time has gone by




I don't remember the details as clearly



time has a way of taking the bad out and leaving the good




which is great



but not when you are trying to stay happy about your decisions
(ironic that sometimes remembering the negative that helped you make a decision, makes you feel positive in the future about that decision)




and remember why you made them 



and know that you should have hope that there is a greener pasture waiting for you ahead









that's kind of a tough thing






but I'm working on it







and I did not have to go through a grueling process of 

"getting over it"




it has been surprisingly smooth sailing





I am so grateful to my father in Heaven for knowing what I need



and I trust Him




not always as much as I should



but I do


and that is all He is asking me to do




my best




I truly believe that He loves me




my friends and family have been exactly what I have needed them to be:


there





they have been there for me





I have been dating





and feeling normal





and the only pain I get when someone says



"congratulations"





is the pain of knowing that they feel bad when I explain that I am not getting married (yet)




because I don't want them to feel bad




they shouldn't!


because there is nothing to feel bad about




I don't even feel bad!



I haven't needed to seek closure from my ex because we ended on such an incredible note
(we have not spoken a word to one another)




my closure came the day after it ended with the assurance of my Heavenly Father


and the day of when I was yelling like a psychopath in prayer and feeling a burden lifted in my car 





sometimes I worry that I will never find the one



but I am working through that


and I would feel that even if I had never even met the almost one






Life Is Good



Great Even







and I have 26 kids



let's just say I'm rocking at being a single mom with them


;)




part of greener pastures isn't going out and searching for them




but waiting until winter is over 



even if there is nothing else you can do besides wait




God's timing is everything







------------------


MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR DOG(S)






-Ryanne SAUNDERS



:)