"congratulations"

I don't actually know what to say.

So much has happened that I have neglected to express on this thing called the blog..

Probably for good reason.

As much as it is a platform for me to share my life and lessons with my fellow humans and possible posterity someday, it's definitely not my personal psychiatrist.


neither are you

It's not probably a place for me to share my darkest moments and tears over spilled milk.

That's what facebook is for. 

;)

I do want to talk about some things that make me who I am at this moment.

Those things are not seen by the public eye as sunshine, roses,
or Disney fairytales of Happily Ever After.

to me

on my best days

they are seen as sunshine, daisies, and the chance of a fairytale in the future that will result in a better 

"Ever After"

on my worst days

these things about my life

threaten to cause me to have doubts

they make me cry

or I wonder if I did the right thing

here's the thing about best days and worst days

the best days
(for sure in this situation, maybe not others)
 FAR outnumber and outweigh the worst

that my friends...

is why when you still say

"Congratulations"

you are not missing the mark

I truly feel that congratulations are in order

just not for the same reason that you do

now you might be thinking that what I mean to say that if you knew the whole story you would say

"congratulations for making a good choice. You seriously dodged a bullet with that one."

but no

that is not why I would feel inclined to accept your well wishing 

Here Is Why

-----------------------------------------------

con·grat·u·la·tion

kənˌɡraCHəˈlāSH(ə)n,kənˌɡrajəˈlāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. words expressing praise for an achievement or good wishes on a special occasion.

I could start by saying that among the things I have not mentioned on here

like 

"I went to London"

*lots of further details

or

"I got my associates degree"

*further detail

*I now have my dream job/career

*I will definitely actually be giving detail about this soon

It would probably be accurate enough to say that the most important news I have refrained from sharing is the subject of this post

"I got engaged"

yep that's right

you probably knew that

maybe you didn't 

but I do

and I did

that would be a hard thing to not know if it happened to you would it not

;)

the simple fact of the matter is that I am not engaged now.

feel free to stop reading because that's the end of it all.

or the beginning or whatever.

make it a great day

-Ryanne

JK

When opening a can of worms, one must start somewhere, sort through the mess, and hopefully use those worms to learn how to fish!

Then you don't just take that fish

and hand it out to people who don't know how to fish

you have to teach them

the best teachers don't tell you what to see, but they do show you where to look

so 

use your worms to give others the opportunity to learn to fish

aka I hope you learn something from this can of worms I am opening

even if it's just that you remembered that you haven't gone fishing in awhile and so now you are going to

then something positive came from these worms

and I will feel like I did my job as a milenial

which is to share the deepest parts of who I am online

;)

So 

worms are actually a good thing

even if they don't look cute

you can't snuggle up to them

and if you start telling people about worms

they will make a face

an unpleasant one

much like the face I get with this dialogue that has happened countless times the past few months

"Ryanne! Hey congratulations! When is the big day?"

*I nervously chuckle 

(yes I am aware that I do it every time and I can never quite take that awkward part out of the situation)

"Well there is no big day. I am not engaged anymore."

*they make the face

then they apologize profusely

what else is there to do?

to be honest

no one should feel bad in that situation 

It's not like they reminded me of something painful that I didn't already know

It's not like they have a moral obligation to notice that I haven't posted anything about being engaged

or that I have deleted all of the photos

Side note Number 1:

I did not delete those pictures because I was angry, or felt that I had been treated in any sort of ugly way. I will get to that in more detail but I just have to clear that up. Those pictures are gone for two reasons. The first is an emotional reason, and the second practical. 

1. Literally I just don't wanted to see it.. it would make me miss him as a person. Or be annoyed. Or just bring up weird feelings.

2. How in the hell would I be expected to find someone to actually seal the deal with, if pictures of my contract that I was about to sign with my other deal that was in the process of being made are all over the place?!?!?!? LOL

sorrynotsorry

Side note Number 2:

I just checked the Alabama vs Texas score and good news. Siri says Bama crushed Texas 45-23.

anyway

I would like to find whoever decided that people should feel bad for bringing up things they don't know about and ask them what on Earth the purpose of that is

Here's the deal with life

CRAP HAPPENS

but this was not crap

of course it is easy to assume that something huge and ugly must have happened for me to suddenly end my engagement

people think that those worms aregrimier and gooeyer than they are so they make that face

"Im so sorry to bring it up I didn't know"

well to be honest

even if you did know, I would be perfectly fine with you bringing it up

and if you asked me if I wanted to talk about it

that would make my heart happy

even if I don't know you

not because I want to share with you a sob story

but because I want to share with you a story that did not come from one huge awful thing

it came from a feeling

from promptings 

small red flags that truly do not make me think of that person as a terrible person

I value the advice I have received

and the people that have wanted to talk to me about it

those that have opened up about their "failed" engagements that led to happier pastures

stories that helped me to know that sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side

that doesn't mean that the side of being engaged to my ex-fiance was a side of ugly brown grass

it just means that there is greener grass somewhere for me

and this is important:

for him too

We have a tendency to believe that we are the greatest ever

and that if someone does not like us that means they are blind crazy and insane

okay I'm not very committed to what I just said

but that seems to be what the movies tell us

the truth about finding the one

is that if they are not the one for you, you are not the one for them

mind-blown

as much as you might be everything someone else wants and they are happy as all get out

if they don't make you happy

you won't make them happy

I knew that I was not going to be as happy as I could

because I wasn't 

there are plenty of reasons that for me make sense

but to most of the world

they aren't probably deal breakers

which is why I don't slander his name

before I could even pin point what strange reasons I had

I started to feel anxiety about it

"that's normal everyone gets cold feet"

"doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith"

"cling to the good feelings you have had"

"marry potential not perfection"

I know. I told myself those things a million times. The hardest one to figure out was this.

"Is satan trying to stop me from doing the most important thing of my existence by planting doubts in my head, or is God trying to steer me in another direction by allowing me to feel this way."

Well we had plenty of talks about the things I was noticing. 

and we always seemed to end the conversation with a bandaid solution

something to cover it up momentarily

until I point blank said

"I have tons of doubts about whether or not this is the right thing to do"

we weren't even engaged yet

I suppose it truly is a bit of a red flag that he proposed to me a week later anyway

EVEN IF SATAN IS PLANTING DOUBTS AND IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO YOU DESERVE TO FEEL AT PEACE WHEN YOU GET ENGAGED

instead of anxiety

and frustration

because of the expectations to feel SO happy during and after that moment in your life

I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all happy

he went to great lengths to show me how he felt 

the surprise

the way it was all done

just that another human being would be willing to do that 

for me

was more than enough to make me

"happy"

but what the hell is happiness if it doesn't last?

if it's underlying feeling is frustration

and a feeling of not being heard or understood

I know that marriage is not always happy

I've heard that a million times

but when you are getting engaged and planning a wedding

you should probably be filled with joy

;)

winky faces don't mean that I'm kidding ALL of the time

sometimes they point out sarcasm

I'm also realizing as I typed "Winky" a certain red line telling me that it is either spelled wrong or not a word

come on auto correct

this is 2018

not the stone ages

winky is most definitely 

and inarguably 

a word. k? Thx.

So what happened next is this:

I spent a couple of weeks with him everyday

which had never happened before because I lived four hours away when we started dating

we talked on the phone every night

but as it turns out

being actually with the person and on the phone for a few hours

are two different things

my anxiety grew

I spent an entire day in the temple doing everything there is to do in there besides baptisms

I fasted for four-five days

(I don't really remember)

not straight.. I wasn't on a survival show

I ate once every 24 hours

trying to connect to God

and you know what He told me?

nothing.

What?

FREAL

"Where are you?"

I felt "forsaken and left alone"

I felt like Peter sinking in the water 

only I did not see Christ anywhere to pull me up

my heart was pained

I can't tell you how many strangers I talked to about it

on my runs

in the temple

because I know that God doesn't always answer our prayers directly

but through people

I literally prayed one day next to a mini waterfall on a run in Idaho, that the next person I saw would be an answer to my prayer

I saw an old man and ran right up to him

small talk?

no. 

This was too important to me.

"Sir are you married? What is your advice about choosing a mate?"

"I'm not the one to be asking that darlin'. I have been married four times."

my heart swelled with hope and joy

(I'm not kidding.. weird right?)

"You are the perfect person to ask because you have four times more experience than me, and most people don't have that much!"

The day that I spent all of that time in the temple, I point-blank asked the sealer about it.

 Who better to ask than a sealer right???

His was honestly the advice that helped me see the clearest. 

"You will know by how you are praying about him.

If you are saying:

God I have made my choice is this the right choice? If it's not the right choice will you intervene?

then it's not the right choice.

If you are saying:

Really? God do I really get to have him for eternity? Can I have him?! Please!?

then it is the right choice."

all this time I had been anxiously praying that God would help me get out of it, if that was what needed to happen

I was not grateful

I didn't feel like his strengths complimented my weaknesses

I am now grateful for the wonderful memories

the kindness he showed me

and the fun times

the good talks

and more than anything at all that we experienced together

I am grateful for the last talk

it actually took place the same day that sealer gave me the advice

we had a talk

we agreed that he would not be happy with my expectations

and I would not be happy with him feeling unhappy even if he were meeting them

before you judge either one of us

just know

that there is more to the story that I don't feel I should share

just because I have expectations does not make me in the wrong

just because he didn't meet them does not make him in the wrong

when choosing a partner for eternity

it's okay to be picky

on both ends

we both decided to be a little more picky

and that's okay

in the end, even if it didn't start that way, it truly was a mutual decision

(lol at the word mutual because that's how we met)

I gave the ring back

we actually cried

we made jokes about who we would one day end up with

and whether or not as a teacher I might have one of his kids in my class

and wouldn't that be something

I told him if he ever needed to talk I'd be here for him

he echoed that back to me

we parted ways

in the car I began to actually sob like Kim Kardashhian-West

it was the ugliest cry

and you guys

it was not from pain

it was from the weight of the situation sure

and from the weight of the weeks of anxiety 

being completely lifted off of my soul

I was crying and laughing and yelling at God

you guys..

looking back..

I really should have pulled over LOL

not yelling at God in a mean way

I was yelling 

"IT'S OVER. THIS IS FINISHED!!!!!

I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS BRING ME DOWN.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT THIS SO GOD I AM MAKING A DECISION WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.
I'M MAKING A DECISION TO BE HAPPY!!!
TO STAY HIGH ON LIFE!
I WILL NOT LET THIS EXPERIENCE BE A BLACK MARK ON MY LIFE.
IT WILL BE A GROWTH PERIOD AND I WILL MOVE FORWARD WITH AN EYE OF FAITH AND LOVE!"

no lie I'm 99 percent sure that those were my exact words even if they weren't in that order. 

you know what

I believed my words

I felt them

and that is exactly what happened

I would fetching tell you if it were otherwise

no shame from this chick

I am a very open book

I should mention that there were moments of heaviness in my heart

a loneliness that I was not used to

I slept in my sisters bed a couple of times just to be close to someone

but the next day

I prayed and asked God

if now he would tell me

I said honestly

"I feel that you have been kind of silent on this subject.
Maybe it's because you had something for me to learn about revelation, or about trusting my gut.
Will you tell me now?"

the warmest most happy beautiful feeling of peace came over my body and sunk deep into my heart

I know that because of that feeling

the right decision was made

lately I have needed to remember that sacred experience

as time has gone by

I don't remember the details as clearly

time has a way of taking the bad out and leaving the good

which is great

but not when you are trying to stay happy about your decisions

(ironic that sometimes remembering the negative that helped you make a decision, makes you feel positive in the future about that decision)

and remember why you made them 

and know that you should have hope that there is a greener pasture waiting for you ahead

that's kind of a tough thing

but I'm working on it

and I did not have to go through a grueling process of 

"getting over it"

it has been surprisingly smooth sailing

I am so grateful to my father in Heaven for knowing what I need

and I trust Him

not always as much as I should

but I do

and that is all He is asking me to do

my best

I truly believe that He loves me

my friends and family have been exactly what I have needed them to be:

there

they have been there for me

I have been dating

and feeling normal

and the only pain I get when someone says

"congratulations"

is the pain of knowing that they feel bad when I explain that I am not getting married (yet)

because I don't want them to feel bad

they shouldn't!

because there is nothing to feel bad about

I don't even feel bad!

I haven't needed to seek closure from my ex because we ended on such an incredible note
(we have not spoken a word to one another)

my closure came the day after it ended with the assurance of my Heavenly Father

and the day of when I was yelling like a psychopath in prayer and feeling a burden lifted in my car 

sometimes I worry that I will never find the one

but I am working through that

and I would feel that even if I had never even met the almost one

Life Is Good

Great Even

and I have 26 kids

let's just say I'm rocking at being a single mom with them

;)

part of greener pastures isn't going out and searching for them

but waiting until winter is over 

even if there is nothing else you can do besides wait

God's timing is everything

------------------

MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR DOG(S)

-Ryanne SAUNDERS

:)